Why is the way we communicate as a couple important?
When couples start the relationship, everything seems to flow harmoniously and couples seem to understand each other wonderfully. That can last anywhere from a few weeks, months, and even a few years before serious misunderstandings appear.
Couples may think that by being together and sharing the daily routine, everything can be clear and simple without the need for much talking.
But it happens that over time couples begin to notice differences in their manners, ways of approaching daily events, disagreements in decision-making, different points of view and opinions on various topics, etc. That is when they begin to realize that not everything flows easily and that sometimes it is necessary to make clarifications, give explanations, delve into a topic and express the emotions that we feel at a certain moment.
This is where we realize that communication is important. But communicating is not just talking and saying the first thing that comes to mind; Communicating is more complex than using the same language or a common language to understand each other. There are certain basic rules of communication that are very important in relationships. We will explain them to take them into account from now on.
Listen: The ability to listen is necessary in good communication. It is not only talking and expressing yourself but also knowing how to listen calmly and patiently before you jump in to answer. In couples it is common to realize when they come to couples therapy that the ability to listen to the other has deteriorated or has not even existed to the point that when one speaks the other becomes irritated as if he were hearing an annoying noise. This often happens because the person who has sought to be heard becomes frustrated and has not found in his partner a positive acceptance of her expressions. People when they don't feel heard tend to repeat the same thing over and over again.
Learning to listen involves taking the time, dedication, and interest to receive the other person's message.
The right time to communicate: If we are busy or in a hurry, that can cause the message we want to send not to be taken seriously. It is important to take into account that when we want to communicate something important to the couple, we must choose the right moment. That indicates that the other person has time, is not tired, and it is not time for bed or dinner. The appropriate time will never be when we are about to leave for work either. Sometimes it is better to prepare the couple by saying that there is something important to talk about when the time is right. Choosing a neutral place other than at the dining table or bedroom is best if the topic you want to talk about is tense or sensitive.
The message: The message is what we want to express to our partner. There are people who use many words to explain something and then the message is lost and it becomes confusing.
It is better to think carefully about the idea we want to express to put it in the most specific terms possible. The shorter the message usually the clearer it will be when it comes to understanding it.
It is also important to be aware of non-verbal messages. With our gestures and facial and body expressions we are sending endless messages to the other person. A grimace, an expression of annoyance, moving from one place to another, leaving the person talking and continuing to do an activity without paying attention, moving the eyes up, etc. All these gestures and expressions can give a message of disgust, disinterest or discomfort.
Emotions: When we send a message to the couple it is important to have identified our emotions. Because when given the opportunity to talk, it will be necessary at some point to talk about how we feel about the situation or issue we are talking about. When speaking of emotions, of what I feel, I must use the word "I". Remember that we are experts on ourselves not on the other for the longer time we have been together. I can talk about how I feel because they are my emotions and I know how it feels. It is good to learn vocabulary to name emotions and feelings. Here in this link there is a good list to start with: https://ayuda-psicologica-en-linea.com/selfhelp/lista-emociones-sentimientos/
Avoid the following: Here is a list of some ways of communicating that are not recommended:
1. Avoid speaking for the other person
2. Avoid using disrespectful language or sarcasm
3. Avoid talking when you feel your emotions very high.
4. Avoid trying to resolve the conflict when you are angry, wait to calm down
5. Avoid threats at all times (Threats such as “I'm going to leave if you don't change”, I'm going to leave you for someone else ”,“ you're going to regret it ”, etc.)
6. Avoid talking about many topics at the same time.
7. Avoid taking out the past and claims when you want your message to be heard calmly.
8. Avoid using the words "always" or "never." For example: "You never listen to me" or "You are always busy."
In conclusion; Communicating with the partner is important, it is necessary and we must take into account all these aspects mentioned if we want to improve the quality of communication.
When the communication of the couple is already very deteriorated, it is often necessary to seek professional help to have a mediator who helps the couple to recover or establish adequate communication.